Greeting Cards You'd Rather Not Receive

(cover) Sorry For Your Loss
(inside) And for the damage to your window and door. But we appreciate the DVD and stereo and plasma TV set! Thanks a bunch!
Signed,
Anonymous

(cover) Thank You!
(inside) Your girlfriend was very hospitable and warm. And moist. An absolute pleasure to ravage in a drunken one-night stand. Thank you for arguing with her earlier that day and calling her a boring wallflower.
Signed,
One Guy You’ll Never Meet

(cover) Everyone Has Problems
(inside) But you can never seem to handle yours! And it’s so much fun to watch, we all agree! Thanx for being such a fuckup!
Signed,
Your Co-workers

(cover) Happy Confirmation
(inside) Now you know, now we know: you have lung cancer, you smoker you.
Signed,
Your Life Insurance Company

(cover) Congratulations Daddy!
(inside) Remember me? No? That’s okay, I remember you! That night in the empty subway car. Well, empty except for us . . . We need to talk. Call me. 89 86 43 1
Signed,
Fulda Burstyn
p.s. I have loads of the necessary antibiotics.

(cover) You’re A True Friend
(inside) The kind who doesn’t realize he’s being robbed blind.
Signed,
Anonymous

(cover) Printemps [colour image of blossoming magnolia tree]
(inside) For some reason the time of year you fucking frogs are rudest.
Signed,
We English Pigdogs


(cover) God Is Beautiful
(inside) But for some reason he chose to steal your beautiful, loving, uninsured wife ripe with child via gruesome auto accident. Suck it up, buttercup.
Signed,
Your Life Insurance Company

(cover) Merry Christmas
(inside) You fucking Jew.
Signed,
Mel Gibson

(cover) Felice Año Nuevo, Peace On Earth
(inside) And peese on you, Señor Gringo
Signed,
Every Local Who’s Ever Smiled At You

(cover) Happy Anniversary!
(inside) Bet you never expected to hear from me again! One year later and I’m still glad I dumped your sorry ass! Hope you’re still breathing and heartbroken!
Signed,
Evelyn Icee

(cover) Thinking Of You
(inside) Constantly. Obsessively. Neurotically. Can’t get you out of my mind. Can’t perform basic tasks. Can’t focus. Can’t go ten minutes without wanting to talk to you and see what you’re doing and ask if I can come over and maybe we can work things out and if not today then maybe tomorrow and why won’t you return my calls and I don’t even know why I want you anymore but for some reason I still do. Won’t you have me back?
Signed,
Fulda Burstyn

(cover) You Are Invited!
(inside) But you’re not wanted! Come, but expect no hospitality. Participate, but expect no cooperation. And then leave, knowing you were invited!
Signed,
Several Of Your Peers Who’d Rather Not Be Named

(cover) I’ll Never Forget The Day I First Saw You
(inside) I’ve jacked off to you every night since.
Signed,
Another Guy You’ll Never Meet


(cover) Happy Chanukah
(inside) You fucking Gentile.
Signed,
Every Orthodox Jew Out There

(cover) Congratulations On Your Baby!
(inside) Too bad it’s dead!
Signed,
The Guy She Left For You

(cover) Holiday Greetings
(inside) High time for suicide!
Signed,
Your Psychiatrist

(cover) I Love You
(inside) But I love him more.
Signed,
See ya

(cover) Get Well Soon
(inside) Oh yeah, I forgot. You’re terminal. Sorry.
Signed,
Your wife

(cover) I Want To . . .
(inside) Rape you.
Signed,
Your Samesex Boss

(cover) Happy Birthday!
(inside) Too bad you’re dead!
Signed,
The Guy Who Killed You And Stole Your Wife And Kid And House And Job and Car And Dog

(cover) Happy Haemorrhoidectomy!
(inside) It may have hurt at first my friend, but things sure worked out in the end!
Signed,
All Your Nosy Colleagues