An Open Letter to Proud Aryans Thinking of Moving to the Calgary Region

Now then, I know you folks have gotten a lot of bad ink in the way of your intolerance and violence, that you “don’t play well” with certain “kinds” of people, particularly Jews and blacks and gays. Yet I’m willing to give you the benefit of certain doubts re: your relocation plans, especially considering the Aryan Guard’s desperate promise of rent subsidies. But might I make a suggestion or two. First: I know you proud Aryans are an industrious people, you like to work. And no one likes a long commute to work. Yet Calgarians suffer the fifth longest average commute-to-work distance (in kilometres) of all Canadian metropolitan dwellers. Kind of a bummer, I know. But you deserve to know all the facts. Second, and perhaps more important: according to 2006 StatsCan, Alberta has the third highest visible minority population among Canadian provinces, the vast majority of it settled in Calgary and Edmonton. Not only that, but Alberta’s visible minority population is growing three times faster than its general population, meaning that for every one of you proud Aryans that moves to Calgary, three nonwhites will show up too. Since 2001, Calgary’s visible minority population has increased by almost fifty percent. It is now the Canadian city with the fourth highest such population. Soon the place will be as colourful as a rainbow. I’m not sure about Aryans’ feelings on rainbows. Which brings me roundabout to my second suggestion. Now, while I imagine some of the stories about your intolerance and violence toward certain “kinds” of people may be a tad exaggerated (by both sides) for propaganda purposes, I also imagine there’s some truth to the notion that — for whatever reason — you don’t particularly like these certain “kinds” of people. So why not avoid them? Instead of Calgary, try a place like Trout Lake, a town about six hundred miles almost due north of Calgary, a quaint and culturally homogenous locale with beautiful hiking trails and great fishing. On the other hand, if I’m being utterly naïve and you are in fact interested in Calgary for its booming immigrant population — for whatever reason — might I suggest some places where Jews and blacks and gays are even more prevalent, such as Tel Aviv, Israel; Harare, Zimbabwe; and Provincetown, U.S.A. I hear they all have breathtaking sunsets this time of year. Though I should tell you that Zimbabwean inflation and unemployment are a tad high at the moment. Caveat emptor. And happy househunting.